Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Old post

You ever been really really bored? So bored that even playing a video game wont take your mind off of all the troubles you're having? I've been 20 for about a day now. Thats what set off this bout of depression. 20 years old. I would estimate that about one third of my life is now over. Where does all the time go? You would think that 20 years would be long enough for me to find some sort of purpose to attach to my life, but even now I still draw a blank when I try to think about it. I'm soon to be a second year sophmore with a mediocre gpa at best, no real source of income, and no practical skills to offer. Im not trying to complain. I know I have had a good life. But at the moment, its not really going anywhere. I'm just drifting along aimlessly like a turd floating in the sewer. Its not surprising though. How can I have a purpose if I havent been exposed to anything the world has to offer? Up until you get into college, school doesn't do shit. It only serves to develop work habits. Now I wish could have been one of those people who have always known what they wanted to do. I'll probably stick to what I have chosen. I just hope I dont end up hating it.

In addition to that, as a result of moving back home, I now share a common wall with my sister and my two nieces. And they go to sleep at an ungodly early hour. So I cant do shit when I get home at night anymore. Plus I dont have central air anymore. It sucks being the nice guy. My parents only moved my brother out of this room so he wouldnt fight with Emily. Sometimes I wish I could be an asshole just so I could stop people from walking all over me all the time. I'm tired of being a fucking doormat.

Enough of that though. Its time to focus on someone elses misery. How fucked up is that? 24 I mean. Jack got completely screwed over. He's got nothing left. Hes got no friends, only small remnants of a family, no job, no country, and worst of all, no way to get laid. That seriously depressed me. *SPOILER AHEAD* I havent felt that bad about a fictional character since Aeris died in FFVII. If you didnt catch it, I suggest you pick it up when it comes out on dvd.

In other news, Michelle called me today. I dont really know what to make of this. Im sure she was just calling to wish me a happy birthday. If it were any other day Im sure she wouldnt give a shit. Which is fine with me. But the more I think about what happened, the less and less I care about it. I've been wondering whether or not I should start talking to her again. I dont know why, but the thought has crossed my mind. I mean, I do want my cds back, but I dont think that is the reason I've been thinking about it. I look and I see how bad things are with me and Lizet right now and I cant help but think I should try to fix things. Although, I dont really think my relationship with Michelle is something really worth fixing. Its not like we were friends before, so I was able to make a clean break. No sense in going back to it now. Maybe thats where this whole thing is coming from. I've always felt bad about what happened between me and Lizet. I didnt know it was that easy to throw years worth of friendship away. Live and learn I suppose. Now I know not to get stuck in the friend zone. I guess all that I can do now is try to salvage whats left. Even though the relationship I had with her wasnt what I really wanted, I still value it more than any other I have had. I was an idiot to sabatoge it, but thats in the past. I've just got to focus on whats ahead. Yeah! Fuckin Oasis! Its gonna be awesome!

Okay, Im done. Im going to bed. Have a good night/morning/evening all.

[You may want to notice, this is a little dated. I wrote this about seven days ago.]


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