Saturday, May 14, 2005

Fighting for obliviousness

My first night out in a long time happened today. It started with Juan getting his car really. It's a 92' Firebird. It's nice, and runs pretty good. Since he got the car, he desperately wanted to go out to Chain Reaction to see Yes, Dear. Yes, Dear is the new band of the two main members of Ozma. They were alright. It got kind of repetitive after a while, but Verne seemed to like them. Before them though, was a very interesting band call Color Turning. There was a Sparta influence to their music, with a hint of Radiohead. It was a good mix, I enjoyed their set the most. After the show ended, we decided to go see Yvette, who was at the Santa Fe train station in downtown Fullerton.

As soon as we got out though, I regretted it. Yvette had previously invited Michelle to go, while we invited ourselves. As much as I wanted to leave, I sucked it up and went with the flow, as Juan suggests I do. Be Verne he says. I'm going to write this here, because it needs to be said. I'm not Verne. I will never be Verne, nor would I want to be Verne. If I don't want to do something, because it would be awkward for me, I don't want my friends to ignore that and tell me to "go with the flow."

I tried avoiding her presence as much as possible, and her friend Erica. She was very pretty, but as much as Michelle, she was not someone I would want to meet. Soon, I found out that Bobby was there, and I talked to him as much as possible. It was inevitable though, and Michelle soon addressed me, and I responded. I have to admit, I didn't mind her being there as much as I thought I would. It still bothered me, as much as it bothered me when she showed up at the motel on my birthday. I still want nothing to do with her. I honestly have no real reason for it. She never hurt me, but I can't help but feel pathetic when I remember everything I thought about her. I thought she was someone totally different then she was. I feel like she lied to me, and her ruse was malicious and deceptive. I liked her a lot. I liked the inside jokes we shared, the talks late at night on the phone, and I liked her energetic nature. It was all a con to me though. I blame myself for it. For allowing myself to trust her so much, and to be blinded by her outgoing demeanor. That is who she was, I just got a different picture, and when I found out the difference I felt more pathetic and embarrassed than I have ever in my life. I don't care about so much about what happened. If I did, I wouldn't be talking to Matt or Juan. She does, however remind me of all of those thing I don't want to be reminded of. How foolish I am when I like somebody. How I trust them completely without truly knowing them. That's why I don't want to see her again. Not because of her, but because of me. She causes the most complicated situation ever in my head, even when I hear her name, because I am reminded of myself at my weakest. My most vulnerable.

I don't know if I can describe it better, but I'm suddenly reminded of all of it, and the one thing that saved my ass tonight, from being consumed by it, was Shinai. Apparently this happens every Friday. Shinai is basically sword combat, with the Shinai, a bamboo training weapon, used to simulate battles.

Yvette was droning on about how she wanted to "fight with the sticks." I was disinterested at first, but when I saw Erica try it, I simply watched. It seemed to be easy, but I was reluctant to try it. Verne didn't want too, and Yvette tried, while failing miserably. Juan took a shot, but didn't like it because it was more complicated than it seemed, and his wrist didn't help, because the technique revolves around the wrist. I started listening to the instructions of the fighter. He name is Jesse, and he's a pretty cool guy. He took an eye on Erica, which she very clearly wanted, because she flashed us from a balcony, but he showed any of us who wanted to learn, how to fight. I finally decided to "go with the flow" and try it out, hoping it would keep my mind off of everything I had been thinking. It worked. I also must say, I liked it. It is rather slight movements, but the technique is so simple it becomes complicated. You want to swing the shinai with might, but the goal is speed. You tense up, when you're supposed to relax. It's mainly twisting of the body and flicking of the wrist, and that was just blocking.

We're supposed to go back next friday, and I am looking foward to it.


At Sun May 15, 12:18:00 AM PDT, Blogger Ender said...

Hey, dont forget. I fell prey to her scheme as well. Yeah, I know it sucks, but you cant keep dwelling on the bad things. Personally, I think youd feel better if you... well, not necessarily forgave... but forgot. We've made our peace with Matt and Juan, and thats all that matters really.


Post a Comment

<< Home