Friday, April 22, 2005

The Wonder of Nothing

It is late. very late. Juan is here as usual, and Verne is here too. Both are spending the night. I just got finished with a couple of games of Halo. I don't know why, but I'll begin with that as it's fresh in my mind.

I've gotten better. Not better in a small way also. I mean actually better. The auto-update is great. The grenades are far more deadly, not just the nuisance they were before. The battle rifle is myut the new best friend. The sword is nary a problem for me, especially in team games, I dodge repeatedly, and my teammates take him out while he's focused on me. I die most of the time, but the team benefits alot. I'm becoming more strategic. On midship games in head to head, I'm a God to those of my level right now. I'm far more aware of my surroundings, and my grenade throwing is getting much better.

Now that that's over with, I'm almost completely content right now. I have a ticket that I should be worrying about right now, but I'm more worried about a job with Bank of America. I'm more concerned with that than anything right now. Even more then a girlfriend. Which is odd, because that's beenthe focus of most of my time since college I suppose. I don't know how far this will get out, I hope it doesn't reach her, but there is a girl that has made an impression on me. Unlike Verne, she is not asian. Every time I hear from her, I get a smile on my face, and I can't help but want to see her.

Obstacles are in the way right now, but she is single. I'm not too enthralled with the idea of telling her I like her, but hanging out is always an option, one that I want to take. I need a car. When I get those two things, a job and a car, I'll be so happy and confident other things won't matter. Slowly and surely, I'll make my way out of this house, and when I do... It is on like Donkey Kong.

I can't wait for Matt to get his house. When he does, I'll move in as soon as possible. Once I do, I'll be full on focused with weight loss. not just working out, but eating right. I've already told Matt that i want to be responsible for buying groceries. For the first couple of months after moving out, that will be the first priority beyond rent and other bills. Entertainment? I'm getting by with halo and a computer right now. If I scale those back to make time for working out, then i'll be doing great. I know it's something I can accomplish. Once I do that, then I won't have to worry about women. That will be something that will come on its own. That's not to say I won't go out looking for it, ala Matt, but I believe it won't be a problem. All my life I've had girls tell me that I'm a "Sweet guy." I'm always the one they want on paper, but lacking the confidence, I'm doomed to fail no matter how sweet I am. I'm not gonna cop-out and say my weight is an issue. Maybe it is, but the lack of confidence is a far greater one. I got a girl one time. I know it was once, and I know I go on about it, but I do it to help reinforce the idea that it's all about confidence. When I was with her for those times, I didn't worry about anything but her, and making her feel good about herself. I was fucking Don Juan, not the Exxon Valdez (Remeber that one Ender?). I think about it now more than ever, because when I get the car and the job, she is the first one I will talk to. Partly to see how she's doing, and is she's single, and all that. Mostly though, It's too thank her. To thank her for giving me this today....

More later. it's 4am and my mom is bitching.


At Fri Apr 22, 09:47:00 PM PDT, Blogger Ender said...

Oh yeah, all those seals that died. It was all over the news. The evening news with Dan Rather? Although I think Connie Chung might have been filling in for him.


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